I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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