My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
