I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
