I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
