my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
