the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
