My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
