I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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