I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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