I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
