There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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