Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize