i don't like sucking hair
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Found the puke drawer
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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