The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
