my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
