i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
