it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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