your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize