My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
