well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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