Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
