The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
