I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
