I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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