I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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