Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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