someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
