Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize