I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
