saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
