I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
