Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize