I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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