Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
In other news, I just burned my penis
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
