fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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