I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
we should paint friendship bongs
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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