my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
