She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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