I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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