Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
is wine microwaveable?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize