Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
