i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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