This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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