I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Randomize
