she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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