So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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