fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
