apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You took a bar mat shot.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
