In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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