My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
