i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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