I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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