My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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