I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
