Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
