the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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