I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
