God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
