my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
