homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
