i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
